People used to put slogans on bumper stickers.
I don't like to mess with my paint, so I'll throw these on my web site.

New slogans near the top


You Know You Are No Longer A Kid When..



Things that make you go hmmm...



SIXTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN:

(Dave Barry, Miami, Florida, USA Humor Columnist)
  1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
  2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
  3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
  4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
  5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
  6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
  7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
  9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
  10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
  11. You should not confuse your career with your life.
  12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
  13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
  14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
  15. Your friends love you, anyway.
  16. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.


Only in America...



We are in Trouble

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:


Truths



Comedy by Stephen Wright

My school colors were clear.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."

I went for a walk last night, and she asked me "How long are you going to> be gone?" I said, "The whole time."

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.

I like this new idea of voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go anywhere, you just walk down the street, and all of a sudden, "Ah!"

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The other day I saw a rabbit in the forest in front of a candle making pictures of humans on a tree.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

What a nice night for an evening.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

I live on a one-way dead-end street.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."

I was driving around recently and saw a sign that said "Rest stop: 25 miles". I thought, "Wow, that's pretty big. Those people must be tired."

I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

I make my own water -- two glasses of H, one glass of O.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm going to use it.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

One night when I was a fetus, I sneaked-out...

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.


No Respect, I Tell ya!

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ....but he pulled through. My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.

On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.